whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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