I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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