holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
