You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
