No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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