so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
