She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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