R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
