my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
