I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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