I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
