plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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