Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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