I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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