i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
