I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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