They should really pass out barf bags in church
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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