Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
