i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
