Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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