Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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