I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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