Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
