Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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