So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
