I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
