Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
