Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
