I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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