I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
