that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
