Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
