omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
