He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
