I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
