meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
