Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
