First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You ruined the universe
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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