if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
