I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
