and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
