I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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