I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
