I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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