well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
