Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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