Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel like abortions should bother me more
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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