areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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