I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
my poor anus
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
