ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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