I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I need moral support for this bender
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
